On Adele:
"She's really funny. She sings these songs and people are just bathing themselves in tears. They're just crying and weeping over the way she sings the songs. And then she goes [impersonating Adele], "So glad that you're still here. I mean, I had the shits last night, and it was like all over my sheets, all over me panties and me jammies." It's like, "What?" This is the way she talks in between songs. People are just gobsmacked by it, because you don't see it coming. And then she goes [impersonating Adele], "Oh, here's a song. I hope I don't fuck this up 'cause of my drinking." And then she goes back to singing, and you're completely spellbound.
I became a fan when I was driving my sons to school. I had Adele on, and I look in the rearview mirror and all three of my sons are in the back singing. And I'm thinking, What the hell touched these guys? So I started singing it myself after I dropped them off. [Singing] "You're gonna wish you / Never had met me / Tears are gonna fall / Rolling in the deep…." Anyway, there Trump is at the Adele concert, rolling in the deep with the guys muscling him down the hall. And I go, "Hey, how ya doin'?" He says, "When this is all over, we're gonna get together and we're gonna play some golf." "When this is all over.""
On whether or not he had ever been fired:
"I was let go at the Treasure Island grocery store in Wilmette, Illinois. I must have been 19. One of the managers said, "What did you say to that lady?" I said, "I have no idea—what did I say?" He said, "I'm not even gonna say it." I know I didn't say anything intentionally strange, but I could've said something like "Well, the sausage is, you know, special today" or something like that...So I was let go, and that was too bad, because they liked me there. I was originally hired to cook chestnuts. They decided they'd like to have roasting chestnuts outside to make people feel good on the way in. People just like seeing 'em. No one wants roasted chestnuts. I still don't know how to roast a chestnut."
On retirement:
"I've retired a couple times. I just say, "I'm retired." It keeps a certain kind of person away from you—the kind of person that you really don't want around. The people who are really interested in you will find you eventually...If someone really wants you, they find you."
On his philosophy:
"People say to me, "Don't worry, I'll do it." I'll say, "I'm not a worrier." I started saying it a few years ago, and it makes me feel good. I've sort of hypnotized myself to not really worry so much. Do I sound worried? I think it's a good health tip to say "I'm not a worrier.""
On George Clooney:
"He asked me to work on Monuments Men, and it was really life-changing for me. At the time, I was in a very difficult situation where I was sharing the custody of my children. Two weeks on and two weeks off. And he allowed me to work two weeks on and two weeks off. They flew me back home and back to Germany every two weeks. That's who that guy is. He really thinks about other people. He really came up slow. And he was a driver for his aunt Rosemary, who was one of the biggest stars in the world, and also possibly one of the most difficult people to be with in the world. And yet he was her driver. So you probably can't do anything right when you're the nephew of that person. It was like my caddying experience, where you kind of go, "Well, this is definitely how I don't want to treat people. This is not what I wanna do." I go and visit George at his house and you do nothing but laugh. It's just laughs all day long. It's really good for your soul—you just laugh so much."
Read the full, glorious, meandering interview here.
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