“I love Marnie, but I don’t feel like I need to play her a million times.. I wake up every morning thinking I need to be edgier. I read very one-note. Teacher’s pet, Goody Two-shoes. I’d hate to be annoying. Who wants to see movies with someone annoying in them? But it’s hard for me to paint myself as anything but whatever it is I come across as—which is pretty together. It’s not that I’m hiding stories about being drunk on Sunset Boulevard or something. It’s just genuinely how I’m wired, and it’s why I was right to play Marnie—because I do want to do everything right and in the best way possible. And abandoning perfectionism was a real struggle that I had to go through when I realized it’s not possible. But I’m a big note-writer, a big gift-giver. It’s how I’m wired, and it’s so boring and annoying.
...The fact that I’m working on all these other things means that I’m not spending my spare time in a spiral of anxiety. Because ten milligrams of Lexapro is not enough to keep me sane about the amount of worry that I have about all of it. It feels much better to work tirelessly on all these other things that are kind of unsolvable and thus deeply satisfying than to just sit somewhere and think, How do I harden myself publicly? How do I make myself seem edgier when I truly lead an un-edgy life? I mean, then I got married, and now I have this dog who’s perfect. It just gets worse and worse.
I don’t want to be any more interesting than I am. I love the life that I get to live, which is one of real independence and privacy and autonomy. And I get to experience the city in a way that—if I may name-drop for a second—someone like Katy Perry, who’s a really good friend, doesn’t get to. She doesn’t get to do what we just did. That’s not a universe she can experience anymore...I think if I’d used my middle name professionally—Howell Williams—I’d have a totally different career. I’d be an indie darling. I’d be fighting with Greta Gerwig for parts. I’d have gone blonde earlier.”
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