"I was so nervous [to talk about it]. They're so secretive, those two. [I was asked to speak at the wedding]. Evidently I'm in demand. I'm very friendly with Justin. I like him very much. I like him, I really admire him. I even said in my speech to them that if one of my daughters brought home a guy like Justin, I'd be very pleased. Except for the shitty tattoos. Cause he's got some fucking weird ones. And except for the fact that I gave him a journal to draw in and he draws pictures of dead zombie babies with blood dripping out their head on every almost page. I said, those two things might disturb me. But aside from that...
They had these little tiny chairs. There was a table, and then you sit down and the chairs were like poufs, like little pillow poufs. I'm 6-foot-fucking-5! I'm a grown man! ...Why can't I have my cell phone? I don't want to take a picture of you two! I really don't. I want my cell phone so after I make this speech I can call my car and get the f--k outta here! People were laughing at my misery.
The irony is, I've been on vacation with those two, and they take pictures every fucking minute! They're constantly shooting pictures. But if I take a picture, I'm committing a sin! This whole...It was always called a birthday party. Whenever you got an email, it was a birthday party. They're so secretive that they even had the wedding on a Wednesday because nobody gets married on a Wednesday...Everything is always top secret. You go with these two, there's photographers every minute. I'm sitting by a pool in Mexico and around where I sit is a sheet so photographers can't get a picture. So I've never actually seen Mexico. The view I have is a sheet every year...When you go on vacation with people and aren't allowed to leave the house, you really get to know people."
On his speech:
"I talked about some personal stuff, too. I complimented Justin's mother on raising such a wonderful son. I love him. I told Jennifer that she deserved a guy like this, because after all, she's been very sweet and generous with us. But Justin and his body. His abs, his ass. Look at him. I'm giddy over him! Although Orlando Bloom blows him away."
"So this really handsome guy is sitting next to me at the table. This fucking guy. He's like better-looking than Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, and Tom Cruise all rolled into one. So I'm sitting and talking to this guy — interesting dude. We're hitting it off and talking for a long time. I said, 'What is your name?' He says, 'Orlando.' He's a nice guy. He's so handsome. I said to him at one point, 'This must be tough for you to be at this wedding. You haven't gotten laid or gotten a blow job in a half an hour. You must be used to getting fucked every 15 minutes.' He said, 'You know, you're right.' So I said to Whitney Cummings, 'Would you take Orlando somewhere and blow him?' And she said 'Okay!' And she lifted up her dress. It was very funny."
"Jimmy [Kimmel] was the preacher. He did a beautiful job. I didn't think he'd get through it. Jimmy's still depressed about that lion getting killed over in Africa...Ellen was mad that I made fun of Jimmy for crying."
On the couple's first dance:
"It was very romantic. So I run to Orlando and say, 'Orlando, first dance!' So Orlando grabbed me so tight, I thought my bones were going to break...We had a fun time. Great time. Spoke with all these nice people."
No comments:
Post a Comment