Depp Divorce Finalized

Our long national nightmare is over. TMZ reports that Johnny Depp and Amber heard have settled their divorce one day before it was set to go to trial. Amber is walking away with $7 million, which is a million less than the $8 million that was once on the table, and which includes attorneys' fees. Oh, and the judge dismissed the Amber's domestic violence "case" with prejudice, meaning she can never refile (and it was baseless).

The couple released a joint statement. Let's break it down:

"Our relationship was intensely passionate and at times volatile, but always bound by love." Okay, fair.

"Neither party has made false accusations for financial gains." Notice that they put that caveat in there, not saying that there were no false accusations made full stop. Yes, this is me throwing MAJOR side-eye at Amber.

"There was never an intent of physical or emotional harm." I'm betting Johnny gave Amber a million less for her insistence on including this statement.

"Amber wishes the best for Johnny in the future. Amber will be donating financial proceeds from the divorce to a charity." Sure she will. The "Amber Heard Thirsty Fame Heaux School For Girls." The charity already has its first success story - she's traded up to Elon Musk. Fingers crossed he doesn't marry her too, or we'll all have to relive this mess in a couple of years.